Perception of Life in Ministry

My life does encompass drastic contrast of the things I enjoy. Transparently; I feel no need to explain myself, however, I feel God tugging at my heart to share how I am walking through a life of ministry while still being human.

 

God knows my heart. He knows me. He gets me.

To be real, I argue with God. A lot.

It’s not all flowers and daisies.

Ministry- well, it’s just a lot.

It’s challenging + it’s hard.

Yes, the reward of honoring our Father is beyond measure, but being a human is also a real thing. When it’s hard, it’s hard - despite any selflessness we try to fully embrace. 

 

God knows that I’m not perfect. He knows I’m stubborn, i’m raw, + sometimes a little too real.

I’m not better than any of His other children.

I simply made up my mind that I was going to be available. 

 

I kept a hunger for more + a constant restless for something that God would give my life purpose for.

Anything, really. Just something!

 

I always found myself listening, waiting, praying, believing, and even sometimes avoiding His calling. Yet, when it came down to it,

I intentionally was always available.

 

If I wasn’t, He brought me to my knees with no choice, but to be available. 

 

I spent a lot of time waiting. Telling God to hurry up. Getting annoyed because He wasn’t just sending me this clear sign. I needed Him to show up on my time.

I had all these ideas of things “I” needed to accomplish. 

“I” thought I was going to be this big awesome warrior + didn’t know why God wasn’t allowing me to be.

We all have those thoughts, right?

God said, “Sit down. Be humble.

You, Amanda, have nothing to accomplish.

I (God) have all the things to accomplish; so are you going to continue to make this about yourself... or are you going to start making this about me again?

Yeah, God kind of mic dropped on me, hard. 

So, fast forward... 

Through the whole rebel without a cause phase, to the rebel with every cause phase, into the I’m going to be a hipster phase, then the no like you took the hipster phase a little to seriously phase, and of course the anti-everything phase.

 

Now, I’m at the point of understanding,

‘Ok God. I am nothing without you.  It’s all for you. I’m just the tool that’s willing to hear the calling + be available for you to use’.  My purpose on earth is not for glorifying myself, but intentionally glorifying God. 

 

I said, "Yes, God. Send me. Whatever it takes. I’m yours. Use me for your kingdom. I’m here for You, not me. I’ll try not to talk back too much.  I just want to worship + honor you in whatever your will for my life is”.

So here we are....

I like being girly, playing dress up and talking about ‘world peace’ (I joke, I joke). I also love to get lost in a trash dump, plop down in the dirt floor of a one room metal roof shack while engulfed in Spanglish conversations with little kids who call this scene their home.

 

Both are what I enjoy and both are perfectly ok to enjoy!

See, whatever phase I was in or what I looked like on the exterior, never mattered to God to start with. 

 

It was all about my heart, my willingness, availability to hear His call, and my hunger for more of Him. 

 

I consider pageantry and the girly side of my life to be Gods little ‘wink’ saying, “hey, girl. I see you”. Not your looks, but your heart. 

 

I view it as Him saying, you have honored me! I’m a man of my word and in my word (pun intended) I already promised you your hearts desires. So, here you go! You are holding up your end of the deal to serve me; therefore here my child - I have provided an open door for you to personally enjoy the things that bring you excitement! 

 

Hence, I love being a girly-girl, wearing all the make up I want, enjoying fashion, and all the blessings God has given me to enjoy in life.

 

Unapologetically. I will never stop enjoying what God has blessed me with or the things I enjoy doing outside of ministry.

 

Equally, I will never stop serving His kingdom and spreading His unconditional love. A love that is accepting no matter what your appearance, hobbies, interest, commonalities or life looks like.

 

His arms are always open. You just have to be willing and available to hear the call.

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@PassportConfessional |  @AmandaRSowards  |  Amanda@PassportConfessional.com 

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