2017....

Has been the hardest year of my life to date.

My grandfather, the only father figure I have ever known,  passed away from an unexpected heartattack. 

Needless to say, this devastated my family.

Two days after my grandfather's Celebration of Life Memorial service, my ex-fiance decided to try and force me to postpone our wedding. Not because of the tragedy that my family had just been devastated by, but because of, "our difference".

Yea...

I declined the postponement and in return he called off our wedding, with less than 2 months till the date and every single thing already paid for.

 

Initially, he was leaving early to go fishing with his dad. At the time I understood, and even supported his decision to leave during this time. We 'were' in this together and I knew it was important to him.

 

While I was driving him to the airport to go fishing, he proceeded to tell me that we were not going to get married. This being, two days after I burned my grandfather's body and put it in a box. 

To call off our wedding after the week I had been going through was a whole new level of devastation and hurt that I never even knew existed.  
Not only was I left grieving my Pappy, but now the man I already considered my husband just walked out and left during the darkest point of my life.

I have to give God some credit here! Without Him shielding my heart and protecting me during this time, I don't think I would really be, well, any where near ok. 

 

See, God gave me a peace of mind and allowed me to have comfort in knowing that anyone who was capable of that kind of behavior was certainly not capable of being my husband.

Does that mean that I am now completely over it?

Absolutely not. There is no on and off switch. I have good days, sad days and very angry days. However, I feel confident that never looking back is the right decision.

Is my ex-fiance a bad person? No. He is a good person that has a good heart. That was the hardest part for me to accept. He wasn't this terrible person that did terrible things. I mean, I was going to marry the guy... So, to say anything of the sort would not be fair.
However, he made a very poor decision to turn his back and leave the woman he said he loved during the most devastating point of my life. A point where I needed him the most. A point where I was already broken and just needed him to be there.
 
I needed him to still be there when the funeral was over, when everyone else went home, when the silence consumed the air, the darkness filled every inch of the room, the shock wore off and the reality set in.
 
I just simply needed him to be there....
I could understand if his feelings changed for me. It would have hurt to call off the wedding, but I could accept that. It would not have been easy, but of course, I would rather know before we got married.
What I will never understand is how he could do it when he did.  To do so when I was at my very lowest point and when I needed him the most, is something really, really, really hard to let go being angry over.
Have I been angry. That's an understatement. Have I said very mean things to him since... also an understatement.
I made a promise to myself. I would go through the emotions, pain, anger, hurt and everything in between; but on January 1, 2018 I would stop being angry and not let being bitter follow me into 2018.

This blog post isn't about bashing my ex or harping on being hurt. Please don't hear my words as weapons. As I said above, he is not a bad person he just made a very poor timing decision that hurt me very deeply.

​This post is more for me than anything to do with him. This post is about closing the door on a chapter filled with some highs and a lot of devastating lows. This post is my way of committing to accept closure and letting it go. 

 

Something that I know I have to do for myself and my sanity.

I am starting 2018 with a clear plan for doing life!

-Take Nana to Israel

-Start back journaling 

-Be ok with saying 'No' to plans when I’m feeling overwhelmed 

-Work on being softer with my words  when needed

-Pray more intentionally with purpose driven prayer

-Have the Entire Mission Sponsored by Outside Resources 

-Visit Toronto in the Summer 

-Plan a state side mission conference 

-Win Miss NC US + Miss United States. 

-Never pick up an extractor tool again

-Embrace my clumsiness and stop trying to force change. 

-Clean my mirrors more often without streaking them 

-Minimize my make up vanity 

-Make more time for my dad’s side of the family 

-Stop apologizing for loving the things I love 

-Figure out where the heck I left off in ‘The Walking Dead’ and get caught up. 

-Stop allowing myself to get caught up in societies timeline pressure for doing life 

-Take mental days to just ‘be’ and recharge 

-Force myself not to work till 3am every night 

-Learn how to be a better present wrapper. 

-Be intentional, purposeful and thoughtful by gifting non traditional presents for Holidays 

-Visit Puckett and Thailand’s Elephant sanctuary 

-Go to a chiropractor regularly 

-Give in to compression socks when traveling 

-Use less dry shampoo 

-Create meaningful family traditions 

- Let go of lingering grudges or hurt feelings

-Accepting people where they are in life and championing them to find direction and confidence in who they are; without expectations

-Blog prep a month in advance 

-Actually meal Prep 

-Take my mom on a long over due vacation 

-Visit 2 museums that I have never been to 

-Finish all the Greek yogurt before I buy a new container 

-Hike Machu Picchu

-See the Northern Lights 

-Spend more time in the outdoors when I’m in NC.... even if it’s way to hot. 

-Attempt to Drink Less Energy Drinks. No Promises... 

-Master the art of Cube packing with only my carry-on 

-Find a backpack I will actually use for traveling 

-Eat less sodium

-Send out Holiday cards

-Finally Make it to Corn Island

And if you made it this far... you deserve to be the first to know about our upcoming plans.... 

-Launch Feed 5000’s Jewelry Line! 

2017 was for the birds... 

2018 is the year of the “Butterfly”... so says Cassie! 

 

It's actually the year of the dog.... but who's keeping track anyway!

Let's Just make it Count!

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© 2018 by Passport Confessional | Charlotte, NC United Stateside Base 

@PassportConfessional |  @AmandaRSowards  |  Amanda@PassportConfessional.com 

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