The Journey

Thursday night it seemed all odds were against me. I got stuck in snow and ice while trying to head to the pageant. I spent hours shoveling ice and snow while trying to get my car out. Finally, after a lot of stress and many failed attempts, I got my car on the road to make it to the hotel before midnight. 

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I sat in my hotel room alone, zoned out, with mush brain (who knows how much time actually passed). I was still frozen from being out in the cold for so long, bundled up in a cocoon trying to get warm, all while trying not to actually touch anything so I didn't mess up my spray tan. Haha. 

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I remember reflecting on all the the crazy and tragic things that have happened to me over the past few months. Not in a self-pity way; but in an, 'I am doing this and surviving it. No matter how many mountains of ice I have to shovel through, I am doing this', kind of way". 

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I consider most of my inner dialogue as a conversation with God.

So, I was sitting there praying and arguing with God; which I have done a lot of lately. Like why God, why couldn't you just melt the ice and make this journey and weekend less crazy. I already have so much that has been hurled at me... why couldn't you just look out for me on this one, bro? Come on!

In between my venting rant with God. I remember specifically praying and asking God to let me have this opportunity. I felt like I needed it to have something exciting to look forward too. 

Now, do I think God care about a pageant. Absolutely not. But, God does care about me and His word clearly tells us we are purposefully made with His will set for our good.

The real talks human part of me of course prayed to win.

My inner spirit, which is much more soft than my bold personality, knows that if it's not God's will then it's just not going to happen. 

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So my prayer was this,

God. i'm not sure what you are doing with me right now: but I know you have my back and you are working all things out for my good. As hard as it is to let all of it go - please just take it, because I can't take much more of any of this. You have brought me to me knees over and over. You have created me to be strong, brave, and a warrior.  God, I don't have much more to give or much more that I can take. I'm running on empty. I need you. I need you to show up. I need you to fight these battles for me, because I can't anymore. So, whatever it is, whatever you have planned for me, whatever your path is for my life, whatever you need me to do for the kingdom, whatever the call is, whatever reason that the past 3 months had to happen for - I'm trusting that you still have me. You haven't forgotten me. You are still working all things out for my good. So God, whatever that bigger picture looks like - I am giving this weekend's outcome to you. If this is part of your plan for my life to use this platform to glorify your name; then let it be. If this isn't in your plan for me - then let it pass me by. 

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Ultimately, God was saying.. no you don't need a pageant to get through this - you just need Me.